Please Leave Them Alone

Last week I talked about a number of upcoming movies based on comics that have the potential to be good. But now, I want to discuss a different, much more important, subject. Comics that should never be movies.

There are some experiences that just wouldn’t translate from one medium to the other, and I personally don’t want to see some of the greatest comics ever ruined with terrible film adaptations.

So, without further ado, here are the top three comics that should never, under any circumstances, be touched by Hollywood.

3. The Walking Dead

There is actually some potential for a great film, or films, to come out of Tony Moore’s zombie epic, but it would most likely be a failure for two main reasons.

First, there are already enough zombie movies. Even if The Walking Dead came out and was fantastic, the majority of people would just see it as another zombie movie that doesn’t have either George A. Romero or the number 28 in the title. But I also think that Hollywood would miss the point of the series.

Yes, it is set in a world when the undead are real and humans are fighting for survival, but in the end, it’s really about the people and their relationships with one another. And I don’t know how well that could be portrayed in a two hour movie.

2. Preacher

There are so many great things about Preacher that could potentially be ruined if it made the leap to the big screen. First off, casting. I’m having a hard time thinking of any actor who would make a good Jesse Custer. Or Cassidy. Or Herr Star for that matter.

Also, unless it was given to a very brave director, I’m 100% sure that the books content would be toned down.

A big part of Preacher’s appeal lies in the way it contrasts extreme violence and sex with religious imagery. It just wouldn’t be the same without it. Plus, what would the “word of God” actually sound like?

1. The Watchmen

Even if Alan Moore’s work didn’t have such a poor track record when it comes to film adaptations, I’d still be worried for The Watchmen.

Possibly the greatest work the medium has ever seen, The Watchmen uses the creative strengths that comic books have to offer, and utilizes them in a way that could not be reproduced on screen. And, like The Walking Dead, I would be very cautious of Hollywood missing the point.

The Watchmen is not a super-hero story in the typical sense, but instead the story of how people live the life of a super-hero. All this being said, I thought Hellboy would make a terrible movie and was very wrong, so you never know.

But I was very, very right about Iron Man.

Ever wonder what your favorite super-heroes like to do to kick-back and relax? Well so did we, so we caught up with a couple of the biggest names in the crime-fighting industry to find out what they like to play, read, watch, and listen to.

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Today is a big day, as the creators of the internet’s biggest webcomic — which just so happens to be about videogames — are releasing their own game based in the world of Penny Arcade.



Penny Arcade Adventures: On the Rain-Slick Precipice of Darkness, Episode One (longest title ever!) is now available to download via Greenhouse for Windows, Mac, and Linux users, and via Xbox Live Arcade for 360 gamers, for US$19.95 or 1600 Microsoft points.



Set in a Victorian, steam-punk version of the PA universe, in a town called New Arcadia, OTRSPOD (longest acronym ever!) lets players create there own character and play alongside Gabe and Tycho as they solve mysteries through their Startling Developments detective agency. The game is a mash-up of different genres, blending traditional turn-based role-playing game elements (think Final Fantasy, Dragon Quest), with classic point-and-click adventure games (think the Sam & Max and Monkey Island series’).



The best part of the game — of course, aside from the amazing art of Mike Krahulik and ingenius writing of Jerry Holkins — is the Episode One at the end of the title. This is just the first in a series of episodic games that will be released periodically throughout the year, each continuing the story of the Startling Developments detective agency. What traditional games are to films, these games are to television.



If you want to get a primer as to what Penny Arcade Adventures is like, check out the Greenhouse site, which features a four-page comic set in the universe as well as a trailer for the game. Meanwhile, I’m going to get back to unraveling the mystery of the terrifying Fruit Fucker.

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As a frequent aficionado of all things geeky --videogames, comics, cartoons, etc.-- one would think that I would have developed a strong outer shell to defend myself from the embarrassment that can often be felt by those with interests such as mine. And for the most part I have. I have a small collection of action figures on display in my office, my videogame collection sits proudly beside my DVD's, and several shelves of my library are devoted purely to graphic novels. They are nothing to be ashamed of.

But for all my pride in the things I love --I constantly feel a strong desire to get my friends and family to watch Firefly, or read The Watchmen, or just come over and play a good long round of Boom Blox-- there is still one thing that I'm slightly embarassed about. I'm not sure why I'm so ashamed, just as I'm not sure why I'm sharing this deep dark secret with all of you. But, I suppose I should just come out with it all ready: I read Star Wars novels.

There I said it. Whew, it's good to get that off my chest. As a writer who strives for literary excellence, the fact that I absolutely love these pulpy novelizations and extensions of the Star Wars universe is seemingly against my nature. But then again, as someone who has watched all of the films several times and has a Boba Fett action figure staring at him as he types this, it seems quite natural. I guess my guilty pleasure stems from the clashing of these two disparate side of my personality.

It does get worse, however. In addition to the more then a dozen Star Wars novels I've enjoyed, I've also read several Hellboy novels, which I love just as much. But still, it gets even worse. In anticipation of the release of the epic role-playing videogame Mass Effect, I read the prequel novel that set the stage for the games expansive universe. That could be considered rock bottom.

I find that every time I read one of these books, as much as I enjoy it, my English background forces me to go and read some Oscar Wilde or George Orwell to compensate. I feel somewhat dirty. But acceptance is the first step towards recovery, and so by writing this I guess I'm coming to grips with my problem. But really, it's not a problem, is it? It's not like I read Star Trek novels, now those would be truly embarrassing. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to continue to read about the origins of Darth Bane.

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