For many super-heroes, the key to maintaining anything close a normal life is their secret identities. These alternate personas allow them to escape from the stressful world of crime-fighting and just be regular people for once. But not all secret identities are created equal. In fact, some are downright terrible. So here we have the official Shox Studios ratings scale for super-heroes secret identities, with one being the worst and five the best.

1. Superman/Clark Kent

The most notorious secret identity in the heroism world is used by arguably the most popular super-hero out there, Superman. In order to switch from the Man of Steel to the reporter Clark Kent, Superman simply puts on a pair of glasses. No, really, that’s it. He puts on glasses and somehow, no one recognizes him. Apparently the citizens of Metropolis all have some sort of mental disorder, or else they’re just too scared to tell Kent that they know who he really is. He does shoot lasers out of his eyes you know.

2. Hellboy/Hellboy

Only slightly less terrible than Superman’s glasses is Hellboy’s trenchcoat. When you are a huge, bright red demon it can be hard to disguise who you are, but Hellboy does an admirable job. But that doesn’t mean that he’s fooling anyone. I mean come one, just because you have on a fine lookin’ coat and your horns are ground down so they look like goggles, that doesn’t make you any less of a spawn of Satan. But, I suppose, they do make you at least look a little less scary. And that’s something.

3. Spider-Man/Peter Parker

Peter Parker makes the list for being smart enough to wear a mask. Unlike glasses, it’s pretty hard to tell who’s face is behind a mask. But his problem is his profession. As a photographer he’s quite close to Spider-Man, getting all of the best images of the web-slinger. Any astute observer could tell that the two are never actually in the same place at the same time, and Parker’s closeness to his subject only makes this more suspicious. But at least he has a mask.

4.Iron Man/Tony Stark

What better way to hide yourself then to do it behind an inch think layer of iron. It is pretty much impossible to tell who is behind that suit, which of course works to the benefit of billionaire playboy Tony Stark. Really, the only thing linking Stark to the suit is the cost: it’s pretty obvious that a get-up like that costs a pretty penny, otherwise, we’d all be flying around in one.

5. V?

V’s secret identity is so well hidden that really, we still don’t know who he is at all. behind that Guy Fawkes mask lies quite the mystery, and one that we probably will never solve. We do know that he was once a prisoner who was subject to a series of horrific tests, but beyond that, nothing. Not even his real name. Bravo sir, bravo.

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Andrew Webster is a freelance writer based in Toronto who covers comics, movies, videogames, and anything else that will rot out your brain. Check out his personal site to read more of his incoherent ramblings.

Tags: Superhero Secret Identity

This entry was posted on Saturday, November 15th, 2008 at 12:20 am and is filed under Tales From The Basement. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.