The Big Honkin’ Demon appears courtesy of Blizzard Entertainment’s Diablo II. I know, I know, it’s an old game, but I thoroughly enjoyed playing it.
The Big Honkin’ Demon appears courtesy of Blizzard Entertainment’s Diablo II. I know, I know, it’s an old game, but I thoroughly enjoyed playing it.
(0 votes, average: 0 out of 5, rated) If this past summer showed us one thing, it’s that comic books are all the rage now in Hollywood. Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, Hellboy, Batman, and Hancock were all major box-office splashes, and there are plenty more to come. But what about those poor films that blazed the trail for these hits, but were forgotten along the way? Granted, most of them probably deserve to be forgotten based on quality alone. But, for the sake of historical research, let’s take a look at a few of these movies that helped to create a world in which super heros are actually cool.
It may seem tough forget a movie starring the 7″ tall Shaquille O’Neal, but not for anyone who actually saw Steel. Or pretty much any movie starring Shaq. O’Neal plays the titular DC Comics hero, a former military weapons designer who takes his creations out on the street to fight crime. Shockingly, the film was a box-office disaster, making about 1/16 of what it cost to make. But Shaq fans everywhere should take note that none of the casting for the upcoming JLA movie has been made official, so he may yet reprise his role.
As opposed to more serious material like Steel, this film takes a look at the lighter side of super-heroism. Ben Stiller, William H. Macy, and Hank Azaria star as a trio of super heros with some of the greatest super powers yet imagined. Stiller is Mr. Furious, a man who gets, well, angry a lot. Macy is The Shoveler, a hero who takes his name from his favorite weapon, meanwhile Azaria is the Blue Raja: a Brit with a knack for tossing around cutlery. Except, of course, for knives. Other notable entries in the super-hero world include The Spleen, The Bowler, and Invisible Boy, who can not be seen when no one is looking at him.
No, no, not that The Punisher. 15 years before Thomas Jane portrayed the maskless vigilante in 2004, Dolph Lundgren was cleaning up the streets as Frank Castle. For some reason, the team behind the movie decided to change most of The Punisher’s back story. I mean, he didn’t even wear a skull on his shirt! Now that’s not right. But what the 1989 version does have is ninjas. Yes, ninjas. In addition to taking down the regular mafia, Castle also makes it his mission to stop the Japanese Yakuza from setting up shop in America. This of course leads to plenty of thrown ninja stars, but not quite enough to save this movie.
(0 votes, average: 0 out of 5, rated) One of the main problems with comic books is that for every awesome and creative characters you run across, there are about 183 terrible ones. The sheer number of comic books obviously means that not all of them will be winners, but man are there a lot of dreadful villains hiding deep within the darkness of your favorite books. Below I’ve compiled a list of some of the worst. Due to the overwhelming number of bad characters, it is no way an exhaustive list, just a few of my personal favorites.
What happens when a handicapped marine biologist injects a chemical formula derived from killer whale into her spine? Why, Orca of course. This anthropomorphic creature has all of the strength of a killer whale, but the fine curves and ability to breath outside of water of a human female. Though she has only been seen sparingly, Orca has proved quite the nemesis for Batman, as her crime sprees always tend to be near large bodies of water, making escape quite easy.
While zombies are generally cool, most of the time their origin stories are anything but. However, Digger tops them all, being that he is actually made up of various body parts from a number of powerful mob bosses who had their bodies dumped in a chemical waste dump. Years after the bodies are dumped–chopped up into many pieces I might add–an experimental Gamma bomb causes their various parts to fuse together, creating a chemically reactive zombie Frankenstein. Better yet, Digger still holds the memories of all the different mobsters, and sets out to take revenge. Eventually, he is defeated when Spider-Man kicks his ass so hard his body literally falls apart.
This guy is one of those jerky super-powered extra-terrestrial beings who comes to Earth to screw with humanity simply to alleviate his boredom. In fact, Impossible Man’s race becomes so bored at one point, that they openly encourage Galactus to come and consume their planet, leaving this guy as the last living Popuppians–no, seriously, that’s what his race is called. Fortunately, the shape shifting race is able to reproduce asexually, so Impossible Man was able to create an Impossible Woman, with whom he is currently roaming around the galaxy.
Ok, on paper this one sounds pretty cool. Cyborgs are awesome, as Robo-Cap has shown us. And, though not quite as awesome, giant monkeys aren’t too shabby themselves. But combining the two with a transplanted human brain, well that leads to one of the most poorly designed characters in the Spawn universe. And that is quite the dubious honor. Seriously though, I understand these mega-corporations spending absurd amounts of money on creating powerful weapons, but that’s the best they can come up with? A humans brain in a robotic monkey? Somebody needs a better R&D department.
The name alone should lead you to believe that this is a villain who begs to be made fun of. But if doesn’t, then this little tidbit of trivia should push you over the edge. Catman actually modeled his costume after Catwoman, who in turn helped Batman catch him because she was jealous. Now that is one manly super-villain.
Impossible Man image, copyright Marvel Comics
(0 votes, average: 0 out of 5, rated) 
We’ve already covered what to do in the case of a zombie outbreak, and how to deal with the inevitable invention of time travel. But now it’s time to look at a much more serious subject. Say you wake up one morning and you can fly. Or have super strength. Or can read minds. What do you do? Super-powers are a tricky thing, and are most certainly difficult to get used to. Seriously, I just can’t seem to figure out this whole adamantium claw thing I’ve got going on. Why won’t they retract? It really makes typing difficult. So before you start accidentally ripping of car doors or electrocuting your friends and family, check out our guide so you can get a handle on your newly realized abilities.
The best way to come to grips with something as important as, say, the ability to read people’s minds, is to share the experience. In leu of finding actual super-powered compatriots, the first season of Heroes will have to do. The show features a number of different, average people from all walks of life. The twist is, each coming to grips with a different super power, ranging from shape shifting time travel. Watching as each of these people struggles to understand and control their abilities should be just the thing for the burgeoning super-hero.
Now that you know how to deal with your powers, it’s time to train. As a super-powered being, it is important that you use your new found abilities for the good of humanity. And to that end, you are going to need some practice. And since doing this out in the real world may result in a number of, how shall we say it, deaths, you’ll have to try something else. One of the best ways to do this is to jump into the massively multiplayer online game City of Heroes. Using the games extensive character creation tools, you can recreate your new self, and pit this persona up against all kinds of enemies. And, heaven forbid, you want to go over to the dark side, a City of Villains version is available as well.
It’s understandable that you will be pleased that you have your new powers under control, but the future is not so rosy my friend. The likes of Watchmen, Marvel Civil War, and The Incredibles all depict a future in which your kind will not be accepted. Government regulations may be put in place to regulate your abilities for the supposed protection of the “normal” human beings. The only way to combat this is to pre-empt it, so read the aforementioned books and prepare yourself for what you will be up against.
Just going around beating up regular old bad guys will eventually get tiresome, so once you’re ready for the real (super-hero) world, you’ll need to get yourself an arch-nemesis. Typically this should be someone who is an even match with yourself, that way the two of you can do battle for years to come. It’s no fun fighting someone weaker then yourself, and even less fun if you’re always losing. It’s even better if you have some sort of personal connection with your foe, like Magneto and Professor X or Galactus and the Silver Surfer.
But while being a super-hero takes a lot of work, it is also important to remember to have fun. After all, what good are super powers if you can’t show off? So go ahead, pick up that car to impress the girl you like. Teleport to work instead of getting stuck in traffic. Or, if you really want to have some fun, turn on the invisibility while riding a bike. Trust me, it really freaks people out.
(0 votes, average: 0 out of 5, rated) Ok, so it may sound far-fetched to some, but time travel is a real possibility. Seriously. Right now, at this very moment, there are scientists working on it, and eventually one of them is going to figure it out. It’s really just a matter of time. What’s more important, however, is how we use this ability once it’s actually invented. Along with time travel comes a whole host of moral complications, meaning that it really only should be used for emergencies. So grab your flux capacitor, and let’s take a look at some of the reasons to travel back (or forward) in time. Go!
To save your own life - Time travel makes for the perfect assassination. I mean, just think about it. How much easier would it be to send someone back in time to kill your enemy when they are still young, then to actually kill them now, in the present. So how to protect yourself from past-assassinations? Send yourself back a protector, of course. It sure worked for John Connors. But you may want to wait until Terminators are invented, as they really are the best at the job.
To keep your parents together - This one also falls under the category of “saving my own skin.” If your parents never got together in the first place, where does that leave you? Non-existent, that’s where. So shape up, ship out, and make sure those two love birds stay together, at least for as long as it takes to ensure your future existence. Potential pitfall: try and make sure the younger version of your mother (or father) doesn’t fall in love with you, because that’s really no good for anybody.
To save the cheerleader and/or world - Having the ability to travel through time shouldn’t just be about you, you know. Once you’re done ensuring that your own future, you might want think about helping some others as well. Sometimes this leads to some awkward situations, like say, for instance, having to save a high school cheerleader whom you’ve never met before. But that’s a small price to pay to save the world, I think, so suck it up and be a Hiro already.
To screw up a perfectly good show - Ok, this may not be a good thing. In fact put this in the “don’t” side of proper things to use time travel for. Seriously, Desmond’s ability to randomly travel to different points in time nearly ruined Lost for me. Then I learned of the invisible man. That totally ruined it for me. /rant.
To learn to rock, baby - On a more positive note, time travel can be very useful for the acquisition of new skills. Say you’ve been on a totally excellent adventure, for instance, and you want to put on a kick-ass concert to celebrate. But uh-oh, you don’t know how to play guitar! Just zip to the future, spend a few decades becoming a rock god, the zip right back and wow the crowd. It’s as easy as pie. Whatever that means.
(0 votes, average: 0 out of 5, rated) There is something to be said for the ending of a story. Personally, I find it to be the most important aspect. It’s the last thing you remember, and therefore paints your entire perception of a story in either a positive or negative light. Why then, do so many comics insist on going on forever?
This affliction, which I have coined “daytime soap opera syndrome” affects even the best of us. With a never ending story, the writers are forced to come up with increasingly improbable plot lines in order to keep readers interested. It’s sometimes also known as “Lost-itis.”
The most recent example that comes to mind involves everyone’s favorite web-slinger. When fans of the series complained about the new, married Spider-Man, the writers were forced to do something about it. Their idea? In the “One More Day” mini-series, after Aunt May is shot, Peter Parker makes a deal with the demon Mephisto to save her life. And what did the Satan-like being want? For the marriage between Peter and Mary Jane to have never existed.
Yeah, because that makes sense.
Think of some of the greatest comic stories ever told. Watchmen. Preacher. V For Vendetta. Thay all have one thing in common: they have an ending. As complete stories they have the ability to affect us in a way that never-ending dramas don’t.
And it doesn’t apply only to comic books. The 5 hour long videogame Portal has one of the most engrossing narratives that I can recall. Firefly (coupled with Serenity), is one of the best television shows ever, and it didn’t even stay on the air for an entire season. Compare that to something like the aforementioned Lost, which started out great, but now features invisible people, time travel and smoke monsters in order to keep viewers watching.
Now I know why they do it. Characters like Spider-Man, the X-Men, or Batman are timeless, and have been around for generations. But because of this, the characters end up growing stale over time. The only way this is avoided is through either a) a mini-series’, such as Frank Miller’s reimagining of Batman’s origins, or b) introducing major new story elements such as Onslaught or Captain America’s assasination in order to keep things fresh.
So the point of the story is, well, I’m not too sure. I don’t want to see venerable characters like Wolverine of Superman disappear, but I’m also sick of reading nonsense like “One More Day.” I guess, in the end, stories like Miller’s “The Dark Knight” are the answer. Short and controlled stories, with definite endings, and long-time favorite characters who get to stick around as long as we want them.
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