Please Leave Them Alone

Last week I talked about a number of upcoming movies based on comics that have the potential to be good. But now, I want to discuss a different, much more important, subject. Comics that should never be movies.

There are some experiences that just wouldn’t translate from one medium to the other, and I personally don’t want to see some of the greatest comics ever ruined with terrible film adaptations.

So, without further ado, here are the top three comics that should never, under any circumstances, be touched by Hollywood.

3. The Walking Dead

There is actually some potential for a great film, or films, to come out of Tony Moore’s zombie epic, but it would most likely be a failure for two main reasons.

First, there are already enough zombie movies. Even if The Walking Dead came out and was fantastic, the majority of people would just see it as another zombie movie that doesn’t have either George A. Romero or the number 28 in the title. But I also think that Hollywood would miss the point of the series.

Yes, it is set in a world when the undead are real and humans are fighting for survival, but in the end, it’s really about the people and their relationships with one another. And I don’t know how well that could be portrayed in a two hour movie.

2. Preacher

There are so many great things about Preacher that could potentially be ruined if it made the leap to the big screen. First off, casting. I’m having a hard time thinking of any actor who would make a good Jesse Custer. Or Cassidy. Or Herr Star for that matter.

Also, unless it was given to a very brave director, I’m 100% sure that the books content would be toned down.

A big part of Preacher’s appeal lies in the way it contrasts extreme violence and sex with religious imagery. It just wouldn’t be the same without it. Plus, what would the “word of God” actually sound like?

1. The Watchmen

Even if Alan Moore’s work didn’t have such a poor track record when it comes to film adaptations, I’d still be worried for The Watchmen.

Possibly the greatest work the medium has ever seen, The Watchmen uses the creative strengths that comic books have to offer, and utilizes them in a way that could not be reproduced on screen. And, like The Walking Dead, I would be very cautious of Hollywood missing the point.

The Watchmen is not a super-hero story in the typical sense, but instead the story of how people live the life of a super-hero. All this being said, I thought Hellboy would make a terrible movie and was very wrong, so you never know.

But I was very, very right about Iron Man.

As I sit here drinking a Slurpee in a limited edition Iron Man cup complete with detachable figurine, I can’t help but think that this year might actually be a good year for movies based on comics. And this is coming from someone who has hated nearly every attempt that Hollywood has made in bringing my favorite characters off the page and on to the big screen. But this year seems different. There are four films due to hit theaters, and going against tradition, I feel as though all of them have, at the very least, a passing chance of being good.

Iron Man - I’m still not convinced that combining Iron Man and the war in Afghanistan is the best idea ever, but damn does that suit look awesome. I’ve never been a particularly big fan of Iron Man, but this is looking like one of the best Marvel films yet, which isn’t saying all that much. But still, in addition to the special effects (which, as Spidey 3 taught us, can not save a bad movie) I’m also looking forward to Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark. He seems perfectly suited to play the cocky billionaire, but for some reason that I can’t quite put my finger on, watching the trailer gives me terrible Ghost Rider/Nicholas Cage flashbacks. Let’s hope that my gut feeling is way off this time.

The Incredible Hulk - Yes, yes, we all know what an unmitigated disaster the first Hulk movie was, and that’s why I was so happy to hear that this is not a sequel, but instead a second attempt at bringing the green behemoth to the big screen. I was even happier when I learned that Mr. Edward Norton would be playing the role of Dr. Bruce Banner, because, well, he’s a pretty good actor and stuff. In addition to the new acting talent, The Incredible Hulk also looks to have stepped things up in the special effects department. While the 2003 adaptation featured a cameo appearance by Shrek, the new movie has a much more convincing looking Hulk leaping about. I’m not to sure about the choice of villain though, who looks like a zombified version of The Hulk (although Wikipedia tells me that it is actually The Abomination).

Hellboy II: The Golden Army - The first Hellboy movie did a great job of re-imagining everyones favourite paranormal investigator’s origin story, and it looks like the sequel is going to take things to the next level. The character designs look as though they came straight of director Guillermo del Toro’s last film, Pan’s Labyrinth, which should be worth the price of admission alone. The story this time around will focus on a different side of the Hellboy universe: instead of fighting occult obsessed Nazis, this time Hellboy will take on beings usually confined to fairy tales and folklore. Apparently, there is a crazy elf with some sort of super powered weapon, who wants to take back the world from humans. It sounds a little bit out there, but if anyone can pull it off, it’ll be Del Toro and Mike Mignola.

The Dark Knight - 2005’s Batman Begins did an outstanding job of bringing the Caped Crusader back to his dark roots and making him relevant again. And with that groundwork laid down, it looks as though The Dark Knight will continue in the same vain. This movie will be another re-imagining, this time looking at the origins of The Joker. And while Jack Nicholson’s classic 1989 performance set an impossibly high bar for the character, from what I’ve seen, the late Heath Ledger looks up to the task. His twisted take on the character should add the one ingredient the first film was missing: a really good villain. This might be the one I’m looking forward to the most.
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