Being a super-hero is a tough job. There’s the patrolling, the fighting, the mystery solving, the evil plan foiling. Basically, there is a whole lot to do. So it’s no wonder that so many heroes have a sidekick tagging along to give them a hand with all of the heavy lifting. The goal of these semi-heroes is to help in any way they can, without stealing the limelight from their mentor’s. But this isn’t as easy as it sounds, and being a sidekick is not for everyone.

The first important aspect of sidekicking is your look. You need to look tough, but not too tough. If you look too tough then people might start getting confused as to who is the real hero. Take Robin, for example. While Batman is all dark and threatening in his black ensemble, Robin looks bright and chipper in red and yellow. There’s no confusing who’s in charge there. With but a single glance onlookers know that Batman is here to save the day, while Robin is his back-up, just in case.

Keeping in line with this general demeanor, you also have to be careful about what you say. Do not, under any circumstances, use any bad-ass one liners. These are reserved solely for the purpose of the main hero who needs to sound threatening. You, on the other hand, are relegated to lame, nearly non-sensical catch phrases. Robin is infamous for his “Holy (insert terrible, terrible pun here) Batman!” exclamations, while Fallout Boy (no, not the band) loves to start sentences with “Giminy Gillickers.” This of course, only makes Radioactive Man look cooler. It’s like the sort-of pretty girl who hangs out with the ugly crowd: by comparison, she’s gorgeous.

Now you may be saying to yourself, “Well this sucks. Why would I want to be a sidekick if it means I have to look and sound like a loser?” Good question. There are two main reasons why you would want to subject yourself to such humiliation. The first, is the element of surprise. By becoming a joke of a hero, you eliminate much of the threat that super-villains feel. Because of this, they will be much less suspecting when you eventually smack ‘em in the face with a car battery. Who’s the sidekick now! …Ahem, anyways. The other reason is, of course, the pursuit of justice. It may not be fun, but being a sidekick means you get to make the world a better place, one bad pun at a time. You get to learn from the best, and fight all kinds of evil.

Just don’t expect any respect in the process.

Andrew Webster is a freelance writer based in Toronto who covers comics, movies, videogames, and anything else that will rot out your brain. Check out his personal site to read more of his incoherent ramblings.